I remember this day as if it were yesterday. December 6th 2014 my son was born and passed with a rare chromosome disorder called T13. It was the worst and yet, happiest day of my life. I remember as the doctors placed this beautiful creature in my arms thinking how blessed I was as a woman. I was there to see this beautiful being enter this world, and I was also there as he drifted out.
The grief from the loss of my son had stolen every being of my happiness. I am confident that there is no right or wrong way to grieve when it comes to the loss of a child. I remember feeling helplessness, sadness and turmoil over every emotion of my being. I questioned many things including God. Although, I knew I was NOT supposed to I couldn’t help but wondering, why me? Did I do something or didn’t do something to deserve such heart wrenching pain? While, many say as time goes by, the depression gets easier; After two years, I still fight with his loss everyday. I am here to say, I refused medication and decided to use exercise as an outlet. In return I went through all 7 stages of grief in no particular order.
Grief can make you become a person that you never thought you could or would ever become. Grief steals all aspects of happiness and enjoyment with life. After losing a child, the pregnant woman at the grocery store now becomes your focal point of over flowing questions in your head. The recently pregnant woman and husband caring the newborn tote-tote in the clothing store has you visualizing the day you picked out your little ones car seat and stroller. Which, hasn’t been touched and is collecting dust in the closed off room full of all of your child’s belonging’s that is closed off tighter than a crime scene.
Then you have the resentment of the close pregnant family and friends that you see often. Not that it is personal or intentional, it is more of a self-pity experience. Wondering why they are so special and you’re not. Meanwhile, praying everything goes happy and healthy for them; However, I couldn’t help but to be envious and guilty all in one emotion. I would never want anyone to experience the pain that I have endured. However, I couldn’t help but wonder why they were more worthy than I. Allowing grief to steal my happiness for others.
Now, you still have the family life. Taking care of other children in the house, the feeling of guilt knowing that you are not being your best as they remember. Hell, you know you have to get out of bed, but what you really want to do is lie there for another 5 days. Meanwhile, trying to balance the bills, job, other kids, homework, husband/spouse, after school activities and your sanity all in one. Each day feeling like a failure because you can’t remember the last time you truly had an enjoyable day with a genuine smile on your face. This for me, was the hardest moments of them all. Not being able to enjoy my family and remember that I was still blessed with so much, I couldn’t help but to only focus on what was missing which was and is my son.
Eventually I learned how to live with half of my heart missing. Although, I am not who I used to be, and I will never, ever truly be who I used to be. Grief has stolen my ignorance and innocence of thinking a pregnancy can be a truly happy experience. Grief has stolen my thoughts and mind from ever being at ease because I will constantly wonder what my sons first words, love, eye color, hair color would have been. I have learned that being patient with myself is a true key in my mental health. When I need to be sad, mad and vent to one solid person to help me, then, that is what I do. I also had to constantly remember that men and women grieve differently and I had to be respectful for the way my husband chose/chooses to grieve. While, I am more of the emotional and quite type when expressing my emotions; my husband was more in a focus state to keep his mind busy. Which, as I said earlier, there is no right or wrong way of grieving. Through each stage, my family and friends have all been a big support to me when it comes to the loss of my son. Although, some days are worse than others, I feel that writing about DJ and keeping his memory alive has truly helped me. I speak of him daily and he is and always will be on my mind and in our hearts!
Just remember that you are not alone. If you need to vent or would like to add to this with your experience, please do so. I hope that this has helped validate feelings that anyone may have been questioning. Remember to take one day and one task at a time. Hope you have a beautiful day!